Kevin Barrett’s Living Will

According to some estimates, as many as 100,000 innocent people have been kidnapped and tortured by US forces since 9/11. Several of them have been tortured into “confessing” to explosively demolishing the three World Trade Center skyscrapers with box-cutters, as well as a long list of other crimes that they could not possibly have committed.

So you really should consider signing a “Living Will in Case of Torture.” Feel free to use mine as a model. It is entitled: “I LOVE Big Brother – so don’t bother torturing me!”

I, Dr. Kevin J. Barrett, do hereby solemnly affirm that if I should ever find myself strapped to a gurney in a cage in Guantanamo with spark plug wires clamped to my testicles, it shall be absolutely and utterly unnecessary, pointless, and superfluous to torture me, since, if that eventuality should ever ensue, I hereby swear to the following:

*That all those times I said that 9/11 was an inside job, I was just kidding. OF COURSE I don’t really believe that conspiracy theory nonsense!

*That all those times I said that the 9/11 wars were genocidal wars of aggression, I didn’t really mean it. Actually, the people of Iraq and Afghanistan WANTED us to invade and occupy their countries, murder kidnap and torture their young men, rape their women and children, and steal their resources! That’s why they welcomed us with flowers and ticker-tape parades!

*That it was really very rude of me to insult Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Daniel Pipes, and all those other nice men I’ve treated so boorishly on television.

*That I think it’s perfectly okay for the President and his Death Committee to sign off on extra-judicial murder, kidnapping and torture, just like the Bill of Rights tells him to.

*That I would like to apologize to the State of Israel and its American agents, who, contrary to some of my ill-considered assertions, are ruling America wisely and justly. I would especially like to commend their monopoly mainstream media, which are doing a terrific job informing Americans about what is really going on in the world.

*And finally, that I hereby confess to any and all crimes ever committed anywhere by anyone, including but not limited to: The Jack the Ripper murders, the Lindberg baby kidnapping, the JFK RFK MLK and Wellstone assassinations, the “terrorist” attacks in New York, Washington, Bali, Madrid, London, and Mumbai, the massacres in Aurora, Newtown, and the Wisconsin Sikh temple, and everything else you’d like to ask me about.

*And by the way, would you like to know the location of that nuclear “ticking time bomb” that will soon blow up a whole city if I don’t tell you where it is? It’s an Israeli mini-nuke, and it’s hidden right up Alan Dershowitz‘s rectum. If you send a SWAT team up there now, they might be able to defuse it in time.

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