Control Freaks Turn Birth into Techno-nightmare

We need one of these gizmos for breathing, heartbeat and digestion.  These are all things that happen haphazardly and can be disrupted by random environmental factors like being alive and fending off death while trying to concentrate on sitting in a chair.  How would we even know if we’re already dead?    And a vacuum extractor would be just the ticket for defecation.    Knowing the GPS coordinates of each turd would allow for precise positioning of an electrical stimulator to eject them.  I bet an anal episiotomy would help facilitate the process too.   How did we ever survive without allopathic medicine?

Also see a rocket scientist’s version of childbirth:

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